Why Being A Stepmom Is One Of The Most Thankless Roles There Is
I’m not a stepmom but I’ve viewed the stepmom experience up close, as well as from a professional distance as a family lawyer and mediator. Among the observations I’ve made, one thing is clear: the hard work involved can often seem to outweigh any reward. So stepmoms out there, I see you and I salute you and I assure you that you count.
When you’re the stepmom, it can feel like so much is stacked against you that you’re defeated before you start.
You’re the partner of someone’s ex. Depending on the circumstances of the separation, that someone may not be entirely well-disposed towards you or your entry into the life of her family. She may even target you as the reason for the breakup, the flashpoint of a relationship that was failing well before you were on the scene.
Mothers who have a good part of their personal identity tied up in being a mother can feel threatened by another woman stepping into a mother-like role. She may have genuine concerns about the way in which you have been introduced into the children’s lives, especially if it’s happened quickly and out of her line of sight. Caught between your partner encouraging you to take on a role in the children’s lives and the mother pushing back, you’re at the mercy of these two battle-wearied adults to manage the situation.
There’s no getting around the reality that having a new adult move into the intimate space of a family home is a massive adjustment for everyone it, even when good intentions abound. If adults have difficulty regulating their emotions in times of turbulence, it’s even harder for kids. I’ve seen worlds of pain unleased when adults overestimate or just don’t give due consideration to the pace of change that kids can cope with. The pressure is cranked up further if the kids are also getting used to having your kids around and again if they’re adjusting to similar changes in their other parent’s household. Factor in children’s individual vulnerabilities and it’s nothing short of a minefield.
These new relationships can’t be forced but need to develop at a pace that kids are comfortable with. The adults need to steer a course between guiding a child through the process at the same time…
